bitful

Via TOM: the Rebel Tom Of Finland Action Figure (click on link, mouse over image, gawp at dollhood). "Durable and flexible", the sales pitch says.

I know one particular 11 1/2 inch doll's eternal fiancé that is already bending over in anticipation.

Mixing languages up: a sign of old age or an indication that moonlighting as a translator to make ends meet is taking its toll? Discuss.

While struggling to argue the case of our overpriced icecream (one pound seventy for two and a half teaspoonfuls - Hannibal Lecter's defense attorney had an eaesier job) to an outraged [...]

I have just received an email from Maxwell O. Robinson. He wants to talk to me about "Pain, Deprëssiön, överwëight? cwuavp"

Not sure what cwuavp is, but I'm sure I've got that too.

Dr Bitful smirks, hums a pathetic tune and gestures dramatic fiddle-playing whenever I pop yet another painkiller, but the symptoms are frighteningly spot-on.

Can you make cappuccinos wearing anti-vibration gloves?

There's a security guard where I work. I call him Captain Birds Eye* (not to his face) because of his looks and age. No, Captain Bird's Eye is more youthful. Needless to say, I do not feel incredibly safe there.
Nevertheless, the old sea dog rescued me yesterday after I collapsed again (under the weight of [...]

A new battery for my laptop, so that when the power chord accidentally slips off, the machine will not switch off.

A new power chord for my laptop, that a) does not slip off so easily and b) does not stop working out of the blue and make the machine switch off (see above) because of [...]

I thought I had developed the perfect technique not to let cuntstomers' rudeness affect me - by showing a perfectly inscrutable face until I could tell whether they were friendly or going to bite, and acting accordingly.

It got to the point where cuntstomers would approach me and say "Tea!", I would silently turn around, brew [...]

Reminder: should you happen to faint at work, by all means do not hold on to the cash register for dear life. It is not glued to the counter. It is bloody heavy, even when all it contains is some meagre Sunday takings.

Ouch.

Last Saturday morning I was incredibly jovial and thrilled at the prospect of the first Whole Two Days! In A Row! off in over one month.

Then the phone rang, KG5 sounding very hungover (again) said she could not make it at work. Nobody could replace her so I worked Two More Whole Days! In A [...]

I've now seen it all. A cuntstomer yesterday asked (well, gestured, while saying a few words in what I believe was Turkish) for tea in a thimble-sized espresso cup. I told him it's the same prize as the 8oz cup. He insisted. He got it, even if the bloody bag could not fit into the [...]

Doctor's diagnosis for my numb fingertips: anything from dermatitis to severe neurological damage. Must wear vinyl gloves at all times at work to avoid all contact with cleaning products, with extremely hot or cold water, with money, cuntstomers' (spelling mistake completely intentional) hands, dust, dirt and the like. Working in a coffee shop does [...]

On behalf of all coffee shop workers, I feel compelled to to cast some light on a few misconceptions:

1. we don't need to heat up your milk so much that it is scorching and you will be unable to drink your latte for at least half an hour. It's just one of our little revenges [...]

You've certainly heard of trains being delayed because of the "wrong kind of snow" (as opposed to…?).

Well, I have just learned that a couple of times per year cappuccinos are a nightmare to make because milk refuses to froth properly. I called the coffee machine service people thinking there was something wrong with the [...]

This is getting serious.

I've lost all feeling in my right hand. It started as pins and needles in my fingertips, then worked its way as a dull pain all the way to my right shoulder.

Today I woke up with the inability to grasp anything in my right hand, which is rather annoying if one is [...]

I loved going to work this morning.

OK, when I say "I loved", I actually mean "I did not wake up as I normally do at 4:30am in a pool of sweat when the alarm clock interrupts the usual nighmare featuring a hold-up at work by three armed criminals who shoot me down to get to [...]

Dear customer who walked into the shop yesterday evening and enquired if we were still open, what part of "Sorry, we are now closed" exactly don't you understand? The fact that one shutter is closed, the other is half way down so that I don't choke? The wet floor? The pungent smell of pine disinfectant? [...]

I am sure that, just like I used to up to a short while ago, you have often wondered

"Why is my coffee so expensive? Surely it can't cost so much to produce, after all it was handpicked by underage labourers, roasted and packaged by underpaid factory workers and prepared for your pleasure by bar staff [...]

Did not grace the stage at the White Swan with my wobbly love handles in the end, in spite of Ian's foolproof 9 steps to winning an amateur strip contest. Was rescued from fainting from the fumes in the bin room at work by boyfriend on a white charger who took me home to his, [...]

I hope nobody has taken tomorrow morning off to come see me strip tonight. I still want need to do it, but after not sleeping at all last night, doing another 12-hour shift today and having to be back at work tomorrow morning at 6, I definitely do not want to collapse on stage and [...]

Impolite people in general make me furious. And whenever customers at work treat me like the scum they think I am (approximately five times per minute), I discover homicidal urges I did not know were within myself.

A few days ago, after dealing with three people in a row who came in, looked at me, looked [...]

Rent is due and I'm one hundred pounds short.

Wednesday night is amateur strip night at the White Swan. Ten pounds for entering the contest and doing a full strip, and one hundred pounds for the winner.
This is grotesque: I was better off when I was unemployed.
And I'd rather suck cock for a fiver than serve [...]

Wow. Kylie's new track. Hypnotic. Co-written and co-produced by Icelandic songstress Emiliana Torrini (yes, Icelandic - well, alright, Italian father in case you had not guessed).

Emiliana Torrini has therefore just gone from writing some of my favourite lyrics such as

On a mission for my summer kiss
I close my eyes and wet my lips
But then I [...]

As of today at 01:38am, I have saved not spent 1,500 of the Queen's finest pounds by stopping smoking last February.

Needless to say, I am chuffed. There was no need to wake up at 2am to celebrate and not be able to fall asleep though.

Well, at least this thing got updated.

Uhm, perhaps I should consider subscribing to one of those online courses from LearnDirect - I'm sure there's an international human rights treaty out there that forbids me to take my first steps in team management by experimenting on live humans.

But it's so much fun.

From a promotional leaflet that popped out of my copy of the Independent today:

"I'm glad to be associated with Fitness First. You can't beat health and fitness - know what I mean"
Frank Bruno

Oh yes, and I'm sure Fitness First is likewise thrilled to be associated with Mr Bruno now.

Somewhere in this UK there's a newly [...]

You know, when your barista knocks the coffee out of the espresso thingy against that metal/wodden drawer really hard, it's not absolutely necessary. More often than not, the loud noise serves as a useful cover-up for the filthy names he's calling you under his breath.

And now I have RSI - as in Repetitive Strain Insults.